Leaving the dark behind

It’s been months since I’ve written anything. I planned on writing about my journey in Philly last summer, the trial of a enlightenment, but emotions were misplaced and thoughts were misunderstood. It’s hard to use words to express a difficult yet exciting time. I plan to tell that tale, but I’ll leave that for another time as I understand that not all my writing comes from dark places that writing can be with light as well.

For now, I wanted to share a journal entry I wrote back in 2010. I begin writing this while undergoing chemotherapy, I felt a lot of pain, but most notably I could not understand the emotional structure of anything. I was a young adult watching the world go by, eager to be apart of it again.

‘The cold air breezing throughout the small dark room, no one here to comfort me other then my own consciousness repeating my thoughts. I stared at the ceiling sweating pains of agonizing heat. It was about midnight – the moon was the strongest light beaming through the shades of my only window. I could not grasp my feelings or even my thoughts. The annoying green-lit numbers, beeping every 10 minutes informing me of the time left of the drip. A few hours before, I was given an intense chemotherapy drug that would destroy all the good and bad cells within me causing my body to change temperatures so quickly; I didn’t even have time to adjust. I cried, angry at the fact that I couldn’t feel safe or secure. I was unhappy – I would stand up, but need to sit down. I was weak, gross, smelly and not who I saw myself as. I would stare at the door length mirror placed on the wall, looking at myself wondering what have I become and how will I overcome. I had no power; no confidence anymore the excitement within me was killed along with my hair cells. Looking at my pillow, I noticed clumps of my dirty blonde hair dying along with my passion. The only voice I could hear was the unknown voice inside me whispering gently, “Everything will be alright,” that I will make this horrible event my past and move on from here. I couldn’t help, but question everyday when will this painful journey end and when will I see the real me again.’

We relate with Emotions

As the clock stumbles forward into the future, I ponder all the exciting moments I have made and the growth of new memories waiting to flourish. Sometimes I feel like everyday I’m a new person. Everyday I become better than who I was yesterday. Yet, I have these creative and toxic feelings, but don’t seem to comprehend the beauty from them.

Why is that a bad thing? Should we be able understand our emotions? Do you want to understand the world so that you know what’s supposed to come next, or do you adventure the mind with questions of thoughts. Which wander you through time asking yourself how did I get here.

“ I’ve been thinking too much, help me. I’m falling so I’m taking my time on this ride.” (Ride by twenty one pilots)

I always knew that writing helps me grasps the idea of my thoughts. And I know that my words are not directly punctured into easily formatted understandings. But they are felt in relatable ways?

As I write, I won’t directly shove paperweight information into your mind. But I will exercise your brain in ways that might aid you into unraveling yourself. We all have problems, none more important than others. We all have emotions, some more informal than others. But what we do have is “relatable.” Despite the situation, we have each other.

So express yourself.

Breaking free from the clouds of toxicity is my writing. What is yours?

The Trade Off

It’s Midnight, but I’m feeling the urge to flutter my words into structural understandings that will help me cope with what has yet to come. As I’m strangled by my misunderstandings and darken thoughts, I push to find the guidance I once spoke about.

For the past few months, I’ve buried the idea that I’d return to such horrid times and painful transitions. But my opportunity is near and with such a wonderful and clear future awaiting my arrival; I simply cannot turn my back now.

As I prepare for these 6 weeks of unquestionable pain. I stop to realize that life is worth much more than emotional and physical setbacks. That life is what lies ahead. That the idea of life is to wander aimlessly without hiding the fact that you’ve mistaken faults for failure. Or you have mistaken bad luck for coincidence, because without those moments you would have never felt warmth.

You might not cherish these words at the moment but I will assure you one day, you will.

I’ve been given the gift of life. I’ve traded my summer for years of happiness and unforgettable memories that have yet to come. As I embark on this procedure to fight of all the evil within my body, I know my heart is stronger than my nerves. And I know that my mind is more creative than the toxic.

I plan to be writing and updating my blog a lot during the trial. Hopefully my mind isn’t affected in ways that force me to cloud my thoughts. I hope to bring a visual journey of this situation in the future to further the understanding of what those in my situation call a normal life.

Forgotten Love of Yesterday

I’m sorry I neglected you for months at a time. I broke a promise to myself about writing at least a few posts every month. I left some of you stranded without knowledge of the ideas flooding my mind. I simply left you hanging by a branch thinking that maybe he forgot about us. The feeling is mutual. I did forget. I forgot my duty to myself as a person of colorful words that my thoughts don’t spread unless shared.

To summarize the months that I’ve had and describe it in one word I’d go with “AMAZING.” I simply learned to love again. The kind of love that we’ve never felt, but always knew was there. Thanks Disney.

Before this whole battle begun. I was upset, depressed, unaware and slowly breaking inside. The idea I once knew was controlling my actions, breaking down my barriers and allowing people to stomp through without question. As a human we must escape self-destruction. We must love thyself before you can love another. I didn’t. I loved the idea of being loved over the idea of being happy. I thought the idea of life to put others before yourself. Well it’s not.

As you’re reading this you probably have the word selfish on the tip of your tongue. But it is selfish to love yourself? To understand the simplicity of love, we have to understand our own needs, and enjoyment. If you lose your love for something then how will you ever be able to teach someone else? We get so strangled by the future they we never take the time to breathe the present.

As my fingers type my remaining thoughts. I encourage you to take the time today, tomorrow, now… to find that misplaced love you once had. Uncover the beauty of yesterday and bring it into today. You’ll thank yourself. Love only comes from within. Love today. Love tomorrow. Love yourself.

Myself; My Own Worst Enemy.

The anxiety that flows through my veins isn’t just a drug away from being solved. It’s an everlasting fear that punishes my thoughts about life and strangles myself to foresee the future. From the moment you’re diagnosed to the moment you’re set free, the mind tries to embrace the unsolved puzzles of wonder. Which challenges you to live the normal life you once had without terror.

Over the years of treatment I’ve realized that cancer isn’t my own worst enemy; I am. My conscious never allows the breathing room I once had. Therefore never fully accepting any decisions I plan to make. I’m always second-guessing myself, suffocating the idea that I could or might make a judgment so poor that my mind would never greet, like living behind bars with a non-guilty verdict.

I live today with fear of not understanding you. I’m sorry. My mind tends to wander down paths of broken mirrors forcing myself to choose. My anxiety is the wrong choice; it’s the idea of not knowing what has yet to come. But it will never stop me from achieving the unknown, the process of difference. Those moments that cherish the idea of life.

What we as a society fail to recognize is that once our hero has defeated the ultimate villain of this cancerous tale, whether it’s cancer, depression, or any other form of life threatening illness, the war is anything from over. It has just begun.

We struggle individually, only in our minds. Therefore, we struggle together, however we tend to avoid it. It’s about acknowledging your pains and facing your biggest fear. Accepting the idea that the pain you suffer isn’t just physical, but mental. Admitting, “I AM” my only opponent. Together we can change outcome, we can stand up to ourselves with the armor of courage.

But, it starts and ends with you.

I want you to know as I write for my peers and my own worst enemies. You’ll never understand me. I bleed colors of words that never make sense. You must make sense of the art I have written. Although it’s my words, it’s your inspiration.