It’s been months since I’ve written anything. I planned on writing about my journey in Philly last summer, the trial of a enlightenment, but emotions were misplaced and thoughts were misunderstood. It’s hard to use words to express a difficult yet exciting time. I plan to tell that tale, but I’ll leave that for another time as I understand that not all my writing comes from dark places that writing can be with light as well.
For now, I wanted to share a journal entry I wrote back in 2010. I begin writing this while undergoing chemotherapy, I felt a lot of pain, but most notably I could not understand the emotional structure of anything. I was a young adult watching the world go by, eager to be apart of it again.
‘The cold air breezing throughout the small dark room, no one here to comfort me other then my own consciousness repeating my thoughts. I stared at the ceiling sweating pains of agonizing heat. It was about midnight – the moon was the strongest light beaming through the shades of my only window. I could not grasp my feelings or even my thoughts. The annoying green-lit numbers, beeping every 10 minutes informing me of the time left of the drip. A few hours before, I was given an intense chemotherapy drug that would destroy all the good and bad cells within me causing my body to change temperatures so quickly; I didn’t even have time to adjust. I cried, angry at the fact that I couldn’t feel safe or secure. I was unhappy – I would stand up, but need to sit down. I was weak, gross, smelly and not who I saw myself as. I would stare at the door length mirror placed on the wall, looking at myself wondering what have I become and how will I overcome. I had no power; no confidence anymore the excitement within me was killed along with my hair cells. Looking at my pillow, I noticed clumps of my dirty blonde hair dying along with my passion. The only voice I could hear was the unknown voice inside me whispering gently, “Everything will be alright,” that I will make this horrible event my past and move on from here. I couldn’t help, but question everyday when will this painful journey end and when will I see the real me again.’
undeniable truth 